The title is from a song on the new Daft Punk album, Random Access Memories, which I completely love.
Once upon a time, two months ago, I had an accidentally awesome April where everything came together. And here it is, June, and I want to run upstairs and scream from my beautiful rooftop into the beautiful
Seattle sunset that I’m
so happy. Only, I can’t. Because just as soon as April built me up, May came
along and broke my heart.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still incredibly happy. But almost everyone else I care about has either recently had something awful happen to them or is going through something so painful, I can’t help but be heartbroken. When other people’s sadness is actually keeping you up at night, you know shit’s getting real.
It started with the text from Madame President, my D.C. political goddess friend. Her ten year old dog, her constant companion, was diagnosed with lymphoma. She did everything to make him comfortable until he died, of course. Her dog is Dexter’s age. Not only did it remind me of the inevitable, but it wrecked me because I know how it feels to bond with an animal for that long.
A couple of years ago the two year old son of a woman I went to high school with was diagnosed with leukemia. He went into remission, but as of a few months ago it’s back with a vengeance. They spent much of the month of May on the East Coast as the little guy endured one final round of treatment in hopes of getting his levels low enough so he could qualify for an experimental treatment that could save him.
It didn’t work. So they’ve flown him home and are currently spending as much time as they can with their son, their baby girl and their family. I read the updates and look at the pictures and I’m just devastated. He’s four years old. He’s so precious, and they’re so wonderful. It’s not fair. I don’t even know her well enough to do anything real for her. So I sit here behind the computer screen and feel powerless and horrified.
My beloved free-spirited, world traveling, whiskey drinking friend E also found out her sexy man’s tumors are growing. He has fought hard, and for awhile things looked good. Now they look uncertain, at best. He started another round of chemo this week and once again, they’re playing the waiting game. No couple in their 20’s should ever have to play this waiting game, but the fact that my E is playing it with someone she loves kills me. I don’t ever know what to do or say so I sit there and I listen to her and I think of the days when we worked together, IMing each other and crying behind our hair.
I’d like to say that’s it, but it’s not. I’m watching two friends battle their issues in therapy and even though making changes is better than giving up and living a less than stellar life, change is still hard and it’s so hard to watch them hurt. I’ve got another friend that needs therapy desperately but I don’t know her well enough to tell her so I just keep it to myself. My brother is going through a world of shit, but I won’t get into that because he and I have a deal where we don’t air each other’s dirty laundry and I expect him to respect that when he gets a book deal one day. There have been apartment fires and relationship issues and other bullshit, too.
But just when I was ready to write May off as the month that could not get any worse for everyone I hold dear, I got the worst news of all. And no, it’s not “worse” than cancer… the fact is, pain is pain, and no one else’s sorrow is any less serious than anyone else’s. We can’t be comparing other people’s tragedies. This one hit the hardest because it hit the closest to home.
A couple I’ve known for ten years is heading for divorce for some really horrible but completely stupid reasons. They love each other deeply. I was the maid of honor in their wedding and I looked into their eyes when they spoke their vows. They both mean more to me than they will ever know, and they have something real and beautiful.
It’s a long story and I won’t betray anyone’s privacy, but even from 280 miles away I can see exactly what’s going on because I know these people. I know them almost as well as I know myself because I spent so much time learning about myself right alongside them. I want to fly across the state, knock on his door and shake him back to reality. I want to remind him of who he is and who he’s not. But things are so crazy and messed up, I can’t even do that right now. All I can do is sit here in disbelief and shock.
It’s her who is being betrayed, but in a way it feels like I’m being betrayed too because I want him to be who I thought he was. I’ve never felt this way about anything before, but I am deeply emotionally invested in their lives. I’m shocked, I’m devastated and I am still hoping it’s a bad dream I’ll wake up from. We were going to go to Vegas together and raise our babies together and now I can’t even talk to him. I hope he at least finds my blog somehow so that he knows how much I care and that I would be there for him if I could. Right now all I can do is be there for her, and it breaks my heart to see her hurting.
I’ve received so much horrible news lately that when a friend came to
Seattle and announced that
she was moving from Vancouver to somewhere in Canada far, far
away, I was actually happy because
she didn’t tell me that she’s dying. Then I felt like a giant asshole because
she is so sad that she’s leaving that she drove all the way down here to tell
her friends in person, and I jumped for joy like it’s good news that I’ll only
see her once a year.
June started out amazingly well, to say the least. I am healthy, happy and in love. The weather is warm and
Seattle is sun drunk. I read my horoscope
today and allegedly I’m about to have my best, luckiest month of the year. That’s
great, because whether it’s mine or someone else’s, I really don’t think I can
handle any more bad news for a minute. I’m optimistic for the near future, but something
tells me I’ll be dealing with the scars from May for quite awhile.