Thursday, April 9, 2009

New beginnings

We all know that what happens in Vegas does not actually stay in Vegas.

Blisters, stories, and photographic evidence return with you. I personally know of two children who were conceived there. The only thing that really stays in Vegas is your money.

M.A.D.D taught us not to drink and drive. “Knocked Up” taught us not to drink and bone. And a recent trip to Sin City taught me not to drink and network.

After too many rounds at Cleopatra’s Barge at Caesar’s Palace, I handed out my business cards to some random dudes in an attempt to look cool. When I sobered up, it occurred to me that not only was I not cool, but my blog address was printed on the cards. These were not fellows I wanted to share my thoughts with. I knew my blog had to go.

It was a blessing is disguise, though. That blog sucked.

In an effort to offend no one and compile a pristine list of G rated writing samples to prove to various magazine editors that I am a fiercely talented writer, I wound up with a generic list of bland little restaurant reviews and such. They were OK. But they weren’t in my voice.

I am an intensely passionate, fiercely opinionated woman. But have you seen what the internet does to women like me? Scary right wing nut jobs and teenagers on power trips bash the shit out of their writing and say things so mean, the devil himself is like, “Whoa. Too far.” Despite being intensely passionate and fiercely opinionated, I do have a fragile little ego.

Eventually, though, your voice has to come out in your writing or you aren’t going to enjoy it. I have heard that if it’s boring you to write it, it will bore others to read it. So, this is my new blog, and it’s all me. Because, let’s face it- every good writer is bound to stir up controversy sometimes. You haven’t lived until someone tells you that you should’ve been aborted. Yes, a critic actually said that to a columnist whose work I enjoy. Ouch!

I’m a bit offensive at times. I cuss too much. I am the queen of sentence fragments and over-using words. I’ve been known to beat a dead horse (not literally, of course. Horses are rad). If I ever do show this blog to an editor, it probably won’t land me a writing gig so much as get me committed to an asylum. But if I don’t start writing in my own voice, I’m going to give up on writing, which is all I’ve ever really wanted to do with my life. When it comes down to it, all I really know how to do is be myself.

Here are some facts about me, the girl who sees the world through blue eyes (thanks, Dad):

I am twenty seven. I like to pretend that this is still considered “mid twenties.” Humor me.

I am the epitome of girly girl. I love the colors pink and purple. I love dresses. I love make-up. I do not think this makes me weak or stupid. It makes me a girl.

I consider myself a cat person, but I am the mommy of a six year old boxer who has stolen my heart. Dogs really are cool, although this one is kind of a diva.

I have an intense, passionate love of garlic. I was thrilled when I found out garlic was so healthy because I would eat it anyway- and in mass quantities.

I go to Vegas approximately every 45 minutes. Vegas is amazing. You can go a million times and still not experience everything- believe me, I’ve tried.

I love my husband more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human. He is an amazing man and extremely intelligent even though I actually have to remind him to eat.

I have a unique, crazy, beautiful, wonderful, jackass group of friends. They’re the perfect support system while at the same time just flawed enough to give me excellent stories for my relationship column. Oh, my relationship column can be found at

When it comes to politics, I’m as liberal as they come when it comes to social issues but I am far from a bleeding heart. I believe in the death penalty, being punished for mistakes, and getting the eff off welfare and being a productive member of society when physically possible. I just happen to think gay people should be allowed to marry each other and that abortion should be legal and safe.

I love wine almost as much as I love garlic. I’m actually not a big drinker (except in Vegas) but I will rarely turn down a good glass of Syrah or Riesling.

I have a very unique ability to get along with people with whom I have extreme fundamental disagreements. I consider friends and family my loved ones, no matter how much we disagree. All bets are off, however, when they try to preach to me. Thankfully, they typically don’t.

I love to travel. Travel is right up there on my favorites list with wine, garlic, and my husband.

The first place to ever move me to tears simply by existing was Isla Mujeres, Mexico. I love the entire Cancun/Riviera Maya area of Mexico, but Isla Mujeres gets the gold star for beauty.

I wrote my first story at the age of six. It was about a king named George. George was a cat.

I have been known to make huge decisions very quickly. Salespeople love me for this reason. When I worked in sales, it used to frustrate me to no end when people had to “sleep on it.” I’ve never had to sleep on a decision in my entire life. Sleeping on it is for pussies.

I’ve been known to break into song at random times, like in musicals.

I have blood sugar issues so I have to eat very often or I turn into Satan. This works out for me, because I love food.

I am distantly related to Mark Twain. True story. So, if I don’t make it as a writer, I will know that I don’t have enough Twain blood in me to matter.

I must be really boring because I just asked my husband to name a unique of mine and he couldn’t think of anything printable. Awesome.

So now I guess I just have to get the word out. How does one pimp out a blog?


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