Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My plea for a Sugar Daddy

My friend S. is a comedic genius. No joke, she can write humor like nothing I’ve ever seen. So imagine my excitement when she discovered those crazy Craigslist personal ads and decided to try her hand at one. Check it out, here:

Personal ad

Hilarious, right? Note that, at the end of the post, she asks her audience what their ads would say. As inspired as I was to write a humorous ad for myself, I didn’t. I knew there was no way I could possibly compete with that, for one. I felt it deserved to stand alone in its glory. Also, I didn’t want the creepy internet world knowing all my little sexual quirks.

Except I keep joking that, with my expensive tastes, I need to get a sugar daddy. But how does one go about attracting a sugar daddy? I could try and meet one at a classy bar, but there are two problems: one, I always wear a wedding ring… and two, I rarely go to classy bars and when I do, I tend not to act classy. There are also those sugar daddy sites, but I’m pretty sure they cost money to join, and I’m a poor writer. That’s why I’m looking for a sugar daddy!

I feel this is the perfect time to put my friend’s challenge to good use. I can write a worthy ad, score a rich old one, and step 3 is profit. Get it? Here’s my ad. You all get to read it before I send it off to Craigslist. Here’s hoping!

(I should add here that if anyone thinks I'm serious, they should think again- although I am really this big of a jerk).

I am a 27-year-old college educated reasonably attractive Caucasian woman with blond hair, blue eyes, and an hourglass figure. I love to eat excessively, but I workout constantly so it all pretty much balances out.
I am searching for an older, financially stable gentleman who would enjoy spoiling me and giving me whatever I wanted. Why do I want an older man? I've always wanted to give one a try- besides, you have all the money.
I’m an extremely sexual woman. I take great pleasure in making my lover feel good and love to feel his hands all over my body. Of course, none of that matters. Sex is not part of the deal at all, and any attempts to get with this will not be tolerated. I just thought I’d mention it.
What does your money- which I want at any time, in any denomination, no questions asked- get you? The pleasure of my company once a week for an hour at the upscale restaurant of my choice. I’ll engage in witty banter with you, laugh at your jokes, and drink expensive wine on your dime. I’ll make sure I look so good the waitresses will be wondering how you got so lucky. If you take excellent care of yourself, practice good hygiene, dress well, have good teeth, and are one of those super hot older men types like Kurt Russell- you will probably get a hug at the end of our weekly dates and perhaps a kiss on the cheek. If you’ve got an amazing personality to go with that perfect smile, I may even be talked into an occasional shopping spree… I might even model the clothes I try on for you that you will buy me. But do not attempt to watch me change- after all, the salespeople probably think you're my father, you weirdo.
Do not ask to pick me up. You don’t need to know where I live and I like my alone time in the car where I can sing along with my Taylor Swift CD. In addition, do not ask me to come to your house… unless, of course, you have an enormous mansion with a pool and hot tub and you’ll allow me to bring some girlfriends. I bet some of them would even go topless by the pool and you could look at them from the kitchen while you make us Lemon Drops.
You may have my phone number, but do not call me just to talk. You are not my girlfriend and this is not high school. I prefer texts anyway- but check your spelling, please.
I realize that older men start to acquire strange body hair. All I ask is that you please keep on top of that. If I go to hug you goodbye and one of your ear hairs pops out and stabs me, I’m going to ask for an extra $5,000. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Just think- all this can be yours if you meet the qualifications. Your heart will be warmed knowing you’re financially supporting your precious Sugar Baby and helping her make memories that will last a lifetime. Sure, they’re memories with other people, but you will have made them possible and I’ll never forget that. I kind of look forward to getting to know you.

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