Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Awful Christmas Gifts for your Enemies

Every year, you spend a lot of time and money finding the perfect gifts for those you love. You want to get them something they will love because you want to make them as happy as their presence in your life has made you.
But what about those people in your inner circle that, honestly, you don’t really care for? From that “frenemy” in your office to your bitchy whore of a sister-in-law, sometimes you’re forced to buy gifts for people you’d rather see jump off a cliff than make happy. Thanks to family politics and the ways of the world, you’re obligated to give them a Christmas gift. But you’re not about to spend time and money getting them something awesome. The following are excellent gifts to get that send a message of “Merry Christmas… P.S., you’re a dick.”

10. Commemorative Plates Seriously, have you ever seen those anywhere but trailer parks and your grandmother’s china hutch? I can’t think of a worse way to commemorate anything than a plate. The asshole on your list will be forced to display these monstrosities whenever you’re around. After you leave, the plates will be down faster than Obama’s approval rating. Either way, they’ll have to hold on to your thoughtful gift for awhile to spare your feelings. Little do they know those feelings are, “Fuck you, douche bagel!”

9) “Hung for the Holidays” Poor little William Hung. Did he even know that the entire country was making fun of him when he got a record deal? Oh, well. He probably made a pretty decent sum of money, so who’s laughing now? He also made the perfect gift for your enemy: “Hung for the Holidays.” This shit is still available at Amazon.com. You can even preview the songs... but please don't.

8) Processed Meat By now, even most people that know jack shit about nutrition know that high amounts of meat aren’t good for you and that processed meat is the worst offender of them all. So say “happy holidays” with a box of chemicals and hormones from Hickory Farms or bacon wrapped filet mignon from the Omaha Steak Company. If the asshole on your list is nutritionally enlightened, they’ll understand why the gift of processed meat is a snub. If they still enjoy a diet chock full of meat, they’ll think you just got them the greatest gift of all time and devour their way into hypertension. Either way, you win.

7) A ferret Ferrets look like weasels. They act like weasels. Worst of all, they smell like weasels. *Edit* I just Googled it and turns out they ARE a form of weasel. That explains it! They’ve got to be the most vile animal on the planet. It has already been established in this blog that the worst possible gift to get after cheating on your significant other is a ferret. I have to say it’s one of the worst Christmas gifts, too. You can act like you’re giving them a sweet, cuddly animal as a kind gesture. Every time it bites them, you will laugh on the inside. Win!

6) “Bump It” I can see the appeal of most of these crazy infomercial gadgets. Hell, I personally admit to owning a Snuggie. But this thing makes women look like they have alien heads. Even the most perfectly placed Bump It becomes terrifying when the hair becomes dislodged in any way. This year, give the bitch on your list the gift of having to sit perfectly still for hours looking like an alien. She’ll love it… actually, better yet, you will.

5) A creepy doll If the asshole on your list also has an asshole child, make sure and give her an extra special doll. Bonus points if you make it a talking doll. Extra bonus points if you can figure out how to get it to talk at random in the middle of the night.

4) "Going Rogue" If you want to be a Republican, be a Republican. They’ve had some good ideas before and to each their own. I certainly won’t judge you. But if you actually believe Sarah Palin is an intelligent woman and a good role model for anyone, I’m going to judge the shit out of you. Say what you want about the “liberal media” giving her a bad image and the public being too hard on her (which I agree, they've been harsh), but when you take all that away, you’re still left with an idiot. All the ghostwriters in the world couldn’t make this read worthwhile. Still, technically, it’s on the Best Seller list, so giving this gift might make it appear as if you’re just trying to keep up with current trends… current trends with multiple Ronald Reagan references.

3) Fetus Cookie Cutters For the hated relative on your list who constantly bugs you and your mate to procreate (and who also likes to bake)… give the bitch the babies she wants. Yum, fetus cookies!

2) Cell Mate If you really, truly hate someone in your life… give them a brain tumor by forcing them to hold their cell phone, radiation and all, to their head while they drive!

1) A Ralphie light switch plate If you want a perfect example of the Worst Christmas Gift of All Time, watch the 1983 classic “A Christmas Story.” All that poor kid, Ralphie, wants is a damn Red Ryder air rifle. Before he can get it, he has to model the gift from his crazy bitch aunt: a pink bunny suit. When I searched Google Images for a picture of the bunny suit, I found this! Apparently it is possible to re-live Ralphie’s pain every time you flip a light switch. By giving the gift of this light switch, you are on the same level as the crazy bitch aunt. And when you're dealing with an enemy, that's the level of crazy you want to be.


Kerri said...

I'm getting my annoying coworker who won't shut the hell up about being pregnant and how I'm single the fetus cookie cutter. Thanks for the suggestion. You rock!

Anonymous said...

I probably should have peed *before* reading your post. This is fantastic! I find myself wishing I had horrible people to give these gifts to.

JessicaLee said...

Aww, thanks guys! This was definitely a fun post. I can't believe there are really fetus cookie cutters!

Kelly Hedman said...

I totally heart this blog!!! Well done!

Anonymous said...

LOL I googled (gifts for evil b**ch sis in law) and your blog popped up awesome she is so going to to get an obama plate :)

Anonymous said...

This is fantastic!!! I actually got Going Rogue for my mom that year (she is a Republican). :P

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