Saturday, June 11, 2011

My life in Choose Your Own Adventure format

Do you ever feel like your life is one big Choose-Your-Own Adventure book? You know, those little books we all read in grade school that allowed us to make choices in our stories. That’s kind of how I felt about my day on Thursday. Of course, with those books, I usually ended up in a situation that led to a violent death. Fortunately that didn’t happen. It went something like this:

7:15 AM. Your cell phone alarm goes off and boy, is it annoying. Why did you choose that ringtone to wake you, you sadist? You have two choices:

A.    Wake up, as planned, and immediately do the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred, thus beginning your day with an energizing workout and using your time productively.

B.  Shut the alarm off and snooze for another 40 minutes before you absolutely must shower.

You chose B. Way to go, asshole. Now you have to workout after work when you’re tired and you’ve wasted time already.

You shower, get dressed, eat a healthy breakfast and decide to curl your hair. Midway through the curls, your husband informs you he must leave for work 45 minutes ahead of his normal departure because an expensive and important delivery must be made .He is normally your ride. You have two choices:

A.    Ride with him and dodge the “what happened to your hair?” questions all day

B.     Catch the bus that stops mere feet from your front door and allow yourself another 30 minutes to finish.

You chose B. You kiss your husband goodbye and return to the task of curling your hair. By the time you finish, you see you have exactly five minutes until the bus arrives. Noting how fickle the buses in the city are and recalling that time you tried to go to the Vashon Island ferry terminal and went to Capitol Hill, you set down the curling iron and haul ass to your shoes. Smiling and happy, you grab your purse and keys, sticking your hand in your wallet to count out bus fare……

You realize you have exactly $1.00 in cash. The bus ride costs $2.25. They do not accept debit cards, credit cards or pleas for mercy. You scrounge around the apartment for change only to realize that your husband has taken every single cent for his parking fees. You call your husband and prepare to curse him out as if he’s to blame. Your husband is apologetic and you realize this is the result of your stupidity, not his. You check the schedule for the water taxi, which does accept cards, only to realize that the last ferry departed at 9:15 and wouldn’t return until 11 AM. The time is now 9:25 and you must be at work at 10. You have two choices:

  1. Walk the two blocks to the ATM outside Starbucks on Alki, pay Chase bank’s ridiculous fees, get $20 in cash, buy a coffee, and use the change for bus fare.

  1. Give up, lie down, cry, rip freshly-curled hair out, likely lose job.

You chose A. Great! You haul ass to the ATM, cutting off a couple who is surprisingly cheerful about your rudeness. You take your cash, turn around, and notice that it is an absolutely gorgeous day at Alki Beach. You have two choices:

  1. Continue on this crazy frantic attempt to get to work, or

  1. Take the one sick day you’ve earned so far, you pathetic newbie, and spend the day at the beach.

You chose A. Good call, your Seattle rent is almost as much as your mortgage on your big house was and you need to pay it. You head into the local coffee shop next to Starbucks (no lines) and order the smallest Americano they have. You spill coffee all over yourself as you’re adding cream and remind yourself to slow down. As you head to the bus stop, you hear the unmistakable sound of a bus behind you. Your bus isn’t due for ten minutes, but the buses here suck so much, it’s entirely possible that you’re about to miss yours. You have two choices:

  1. Run like mad, trying not to spill your coffee

  1. Relax! This is likely not your bus.

You chose A. You run until you’ve reached the bus stop, turn, and discover it was only a school bus and now thirty little brats are laughing at you. And now you’re sweaty and your curls have already started to fall. You sigh, Google the number of your company, get a frustrating menu and end up calling customer service to try and reach your boss. “No really,” you tell the rep. “I work there!” At last, you’re given the cell phone number of your boss and you leave a message saying you’ll be 20 minutes late. On your fourth week. You’re an idiot.
You finally board the bus, take a seat, and have a somewhat pleasant ride to work. You have put entirely too much sugar in your coffee. You recall you’re supposed to be eating clean this week and you’ve just fucked that all up with the sugar. You look around for a garbage can and see none. You give up and drink it all.
You arrive at work at 10:25 and realize that no one who has any authority over you even noticed your tardiness. You recall your voicemail to your boss and slap your face into your palm. You open your email and begin writing about Paris Hilton shoes. They are surprisingly fabulous. The coffee and sugar is like crack and you crank out the copy. Before you know it, your stomach is growling and it’s lunch time. You didn’t have time to make your usual salad but now you have $15 in cash. You open the Yelp app on your phone and see you have approximately 15 choices. You consider your diet and your budget and narrow it down to three:

  1. Pho
  2. Grand Central Bakery and their delicious soup and salad combo
  3. That cute little place you went with Cheryl that one time that uses organic everything and is overprices but so good

You chose C. Good choice! You can’t resist grand Central’s fattening quiche and that place by your house makes the world’s best pho, anyway. You head to the cafĂ© and order a red lentil veggie burger with tomato relish. You have two choices:

  1. Cous cous salad
  2. Corn tortilla chips

You chose B. And you ate every chip. You’re an idiot who can’t even stick to clean eating for one week. Regardless, your burger is the best thing ever and you devour it happily. As you’re wrapping up your lunch, your brother calls to tell you he’s put dish soap in the dishwasher, there are bubbles everywhere and he can’t find the dogs. You suggest he Google how to fix his mess. You have to work! You head back to work and write about children’s headbands. Before you know it, it’s time to leave. You have two choices.

  1. The shitty, crowded, noisy bus and its unpredictability
  2. The beautiful, serene water taxi

You chose B. Now you’re getting it! You head home across the Puget Sound. Your husband collets you at the ferry landing and you head for home. You have two choices:

  1. Do the 30 Day Shred you blew off this morning
  2. Collapse on the couch before starting dinner

You chose A and you do every move except that final push up you can never quite complete. Better yet, dinner is a spinach salad with leftover wild caught salmon from your dad. Best of all, your husband agrees to catch up on Days on Hulu with you. Before long, it is past your bedtime and you brush your teeth and turn out the lights. Your husband gives you “that look.” You have two choices……

… let’s just say you made the smart one.


JD said...

A. You're not an idiot, no matter what choices you make.
B. This is quite the hilarious read.

Peabea said...

Enjoyed reading about a day in the life of those blue eyes. Really cute and I've had quite a few of those over the years.

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