Sunday, August 14, 2011

If I had a hall pass...

I consider myself a somewhat cultured person. I enjoy musicals, even symphonies on occasion, and I’ve read plenty of the classics. Yet I love to watch mindless comedies. So the other night when Mr. W came home from work with Hall Pass, I was onboard.

Hall Pass is that movie where Pam from The Office and Christina Applegate give their husbands one week off from marriage after some really douchey behavior on both their parts. A week off, meaning they’re allowed to do whatever they want including sleep with other women. Of course, if you were married to Jenna Fisher or Christina Applegate you would be thanking God every day, not secretly wondering if the grass was greener elsewhere. But not these morons. Of course, shenanigans happened and hilarity ensued. Admittedly, it was a pretty funny and we’ve found ourselves quoting it all week.

“Part of me wants to be offended at the way men were portrayed in that film,” I said to Mr. W as the credits rolled. “But I can’t be because the majority of you are really like that. I love you guys. Some of my favorite people in the world are men. But you do act that way, you do think of women that way and the majority of you think you’re much better looking than you really are. I know enough of you to know all this.”

“I know, too,” he agreed. “Why do you think I don’t want to be friends with these people?”

Then, of course, he had to ask… “What would you do if you had a hall pass? Would you go out and hit on a bunch of guys?”

“God, no!” I said, genuinely appalled. “That sounds awful and is literally the last thing I would want to do.”

I won't lie, it’s (sometimes) quite flattering when I do get male attention. The sweet teenage boy that gave me a free blended coffee, the random older man at the bus stop that told me I was beautiful, the employee on the ferry to Vashon Island that told me I was “probably the hottest thing to ever set foot in Idaho…” these people all made my day and earned themselves a special place in heaven. Also, these instances happened months apart, I am not some kind of Goddess Badass.

But in reality, those occasional instances and the attention I receive at home from the man I love are more than enough validation that I’ve Still Got It. The thought of cramming myself into something tight that requires giving up food all day, spending hours getting ready and drinking a $15 Cosmo just so I can talk to a douche in a popped collar sounds like absolute torture. And God forbid it should go any further. I don’t touch anything in public restrooms and won’t even use the same bath towel twice. I can’t imagine how I’d be hooking up with a stranger. I’d probably ask if he uses a tongue scraper and if he’s up to date on his shots, to say the least. It would not be fun or enjoyable. It's just not my thing.

No. I’d take that hall pass, all right, but I wouldn’t do any of the things they dreamed of doing in the movie (except maybe the brownies, those looked tasty, but that's another post). If I was given one week off from marriage to do whatever I pleased, it would not be pretty.

First, I wouldn’t shave anything for at least five days. I would sleep in the most unflattering pajamas and sweats known to man. I would also instantly revert to my college days of spending approximately 16 hours a day online browsing blogs while eating cereal. I would watch a continuous Golden Girls marathon, the one chick show that for some unknown reason no straight man ever likes.

I would eat like crazy. I do that now with my husband right next to me. But I would try all the recipes with foods he doesn’t like, like zucchini and eggplant and weird random vegan things I’ve always wanted to make… combined, of course, with things like chili cheese nachos. There’s a scene in the movie where the guys pig out at Applebee’s with a ton of food and several bottles of wine. I would totally do that, except at a tapas place instead of Applebee’s and with lots of dessert, too.

And if at the end of this week off I still miraculously fit into my nice clothes, I suppose I would shower and shave and pull myself together and go out… but not with the intention of picking up a man. It would be with my girlfriends, in a roped off man-free VIP section of a place where the music was at a volume where we could converse without too much trouble and perfectly danceable if we so desired. The evening would end with a ride home in a limo followed by a full day at the spa to cure the hangover that would result from all the champagne. Apparently on my week off I would have plenty of cash, too.

When asked about his hall pass, Mr. W said he would camp out on the couch, unshaven, and watch all the scary, violent movies I never want to see and eat lots of things with mushrooms on them.

In other words, our marriage is all that keeps either of us from turning into disgusting lazy leeches on society. It’s probably a good thing we found each other.

The best part is that it was actually tough to imagine myself with a “hall pass” because I have the kind of relationship where I don’t feel restricted. If I want to wear my pajamas for 48 straight hours, have cupcakes and wine for dinner or take off on a girls’ trip to Mexico or Vegas, that’s OK with him. And when I picked him up at the airport after his weekend of drinking in Montana and he immediately barfed down the side of my car, that was OK with me (he cleaned it, anyway). I don’t know any grass anywhere that is greener than that. 


Laurie Boris said...

Nice, Jess! I think that's exactly what I'd do if I had a week off!

JessicaLee said...

Thanks :) I really think it's what most wives would do! Unless, of course, we met Johnny Depp that week and he was into it. ;)

Sarah Elizabeth said...

You had me at "unshaven legs" and "tapas" until you said those magical two words: Johnny Depp. Mmm.

Anonymous said...

Nice, Jess!! I want to see Hall Pass now. And in addition to Johnny Depp, can we make an exception for Jon Hamm (Don Draper from Mad Men)? Oh, my GAWD! Ha!

JD said...

I hate to sound base, but honestly I'd probably have a few one night stands because it's something I was always too chicken to do when I was single. As it is now, my husband and I are so comfortable with each other (perhaps a little too comfortable) that neither one of us needs a hall pass to live slovenly. So yeah, I'd screw a variety of different people (with protection, of course) and would hope he'd do the same. After a certain number of years together, it might be nice to bring some new moves into the boudoir. Of course, he'd never agree to it, though.

JessicaLee said...

Jen, I don't think that sounds anything but honest! And I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with that, either. It's called a "pass" for a reason! ;)

Mary Alice said...

After all these years I can go a week without shaving or sit around without a bra in my PJ's for a week as long as I don't mind driving kids around like that. If I had a week...for just me...I'd sit on a beach and just relax!
Even if I get a chance to relax one of them is always calling me or getting in my face with demands or issues that need solved asap. It would be nice to just take care of me for only a week.

Foxy said...

I love this so much. This post is why we're friends. Somehow I knew all of these things about you

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