Wednesday, November 2, 2011

How NOT to get attention from a female: a cautionary tale

I don’t know if it just seemed extra-awful because I’m spoiled by the amazing men I surround myself with or if I just haven’t been out in awhile, but recently I was exposed to the most pathetic male I have spoken to in years. And it made me realize… for as much time as men in their 20’s spend trying to get sexual attention from females, you’d think they would actually put some effort into learning what works. And I’m not talking about taking seminars from sleazeballs or buying a bunch of drinks and hoping. I’m talking about acting like a decent human being.

The fateful meeting occurred at a nightclub in Portland called Dirty. Despite the unfortunate name, it’s actually a pretty nice place. I was there celebrating a new start in life with two of my dearest friends, my sister wife and my ray of sunshine G. One of them asked their awesomely generous guy friend if he would cover the cost of our VIP table so we could have a place to sit when our heels started to hurt. He said yes. He did so out of the kindness of his heart with no expectations, which automatically makes him cooler than 99% of people in general. But I digress.

So there we were, three chicks all dressed up and looking our best (thanks to G, the stylist), sipping champagne and dancing while our resident male sat in his seat with a smile and cocktail. G mentioned that she had invited one of her friends out and she was going to stop by. The friend arrived shortly thereafter, but she wasn’t alone. The girl is engaged, but she brought her fiance’s best friend with her. I hope I just misunderstood, but apparently that’s the only way the girl was “allowed” to go out… if she had the guy with her. Yikes.

 So the guy sat down, looked all three of us up and down and immediately settled in on my sister wife. He bombarded her with questions while staring at her chest, all while doing that creepy half-smile half-smirk that for some reason that gender think is irresistible. In fact, it looks like they’re about to sneeze.

My sister wife is an instructor at a pole dancing school. Our VIP booth conveniently contained a dancing pole. One of her favorite songs came on as her champagne kicked in and she jumped up to perform one of her many acrobatic routines. Of course, the guy’s jaw dropped open and was rendered still by the unforeseen amazing thing that was happening right in front of him. He looked really douchey just staring at her open-mouthed and it started to get awkward… for me. I felt a little bad for him.

Trying to help him look like less of a weirdo, I leaned in and smiled. “She’s pretty amazing, isn’t she?” I asked.

Swear to God, he looked me in the eye, grinned, and said, “How do I get in her pants?” He then reached his hand up to smack her butt, but stopped when he saw the look in my eyes.

Holding back laughter, I debated on what to say. I didn’t want to come across as what the men folk call a “cock block” and I certainly didn’t want him to assume I was jealous because he wasn’t focusing on me. But I knew my sister wife would kill me if I encouraged him in any way, and rightfully so.

“Um, I think she’s actually pretty satisfied in that department,” I said, trying my hardest not to laugh in his face. “But I’m sure she’s having fun talking to you.”

The guy scoffed. No, really, He actually scoffed. Then he said the words that every single douche bag I’ve ever met in my life has said at one point:

“She hasn’t met me. I’m not like all these other guys. I’m a nice guy.”

Oh, brother. I bet you have lots of money, too.

The general truth is: if a man has to say it, or brag about it, it simply isn’t so.

I didn’t know what to say. So I turned to our resident man friend and said, “This guy is a total tool.”

Sure enough, when my sister wife ended her performance and returned to her seat, the guy went right back to it. This time I decided to listen in for fun. He went on and on about his big house in Beaverton and all the fun things he had there.

“So if you ladies want to come back and drink there later, that would be cool,” he said, nodding in my direction.

Once again, I tried not to laugh. “Why do you live all alone in a big house?” I asked, feigning interest.

“I’m remodeling it as a favor to a relative, so I get to stay there.” He began to tell me about his remodeling projects, but I was already bored. I wandered away and went back to the champagne and the good company. The douche asked my sister wife for her number. She said he was seeing someone. He said that didn’t mean they couldn’t go on a date and get to know each other. She declined.

When it finally became clear that Mr. Nice Guy simply wasn’t going to get anywhere with anyone, he stood up, did what appeared to be some jerky dance moves with the same smirk on his face, nodded his head to the music, and disappeared with his friend’s fiancée at last.

When they disappeared from our sight, G let out a huge sigh of relief.

“I don’t know if you all noticed,” she said, “but that guy was a total tool.”

I’ll be the first to admit that as a married woman I’m out of the game when it comes to getting picked up. I probably couldn’t advise a man on how to actually get laid. But I can certainly explain how not to:

  1. Immediately tell her you’re a nice guy, and somehow “different” from all the others.
  2. Brag about your lifestyle and how much money you have. Put a douchey twist on everything… not “I’m living rent-free so I can fix up Grandma’s house for her” (which is actually very sweet), but “I have this huge crib stocked with tons of booze and I’m making it even more awesome as a favor to someone in my family far less fortunate than me” (douche). As a double bonus, spend a long time bragging about your money and then make her pay for her own drink.
  3. Ask her friend how to get in her pants.
  4. Immediately- when you’ve known her for no more than five minutes- invite her back to your place when the bar closes to “kick it.”
  5. Be insistent when she refuses your number. I mean, why wouldn’t she want to spend more time with you?
  6. Dance with a constant fist pump.
  7. Smirk.

Do all of those things and throw in a few words like “sick” and “tight” and you’ll never have to worry about things like STDs… or first dates.


SisterWife said...

Another magnificent work, my lovely. You effectively captured every drop of douchery that was oozing from that tool.

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