Wednesday, September 26, 2012

How acting in a porn saved my marriage


Working a job in the creative field has its perks… mainly, my department is filled with wonderful left-brained types with awesome personalities. I spend many hours of my work day laughing, and I never know what those crazy writers are going to say next.

So when my amazing and hilarious co-worker E returned from a long road trip to Glacier and announced, “I wrote a script during the trip!” I was not surprised. But she did manage to surprise me when she added, “It’s for the Hump Festival.”

“The what?”  I asked. “Hump? Like, porn?!?”

“Yeah,” she said casually. “And I need actors, so take a look at it and tell me if you can help me out. It’s not an actual porn. It’s for the humor section,” she added for reassurance.

“I… don’t… know,” I said, imagining that somewhere, somehow, my mother had just been flooded with disappointment and had no idea why. But I was intrigued. I read the script, and it was hilarious. So I shrugged, and picked out the only two characters that had no nudity or sex-related lines whatsoever. Then I went home and told Mr. W we would be acting in a non-porn porn parody. He was on board.

Then the week of filming arrived, and Dexter chose that very week to get a terrible and lingering case of diarrhea. A call to the vet re-assured us that his symptoms (which I will refrain from repeating) indicated that it was nothing to worry about, and to treat it with home remedies and wait it out.  So we did.

Mr. W and I both underestimated just how disheartening it would be to come home night after night to piles of liquid poo (carefully squirted AROUND all the newspapers we’d laid down), all over our brand new carpet….then to clean and clean and clean, only to be woken up in the morning to more liquid poo. For four days straight, this was our lives…wake up, gag, clean, go to work, come home, gag, clean, and pass out. There was no fun and no productivity. Needless to say, it took a toll on our moods and even started to put a damper on our relationship.

I almost asked E if we could reschedule. I was exhausted, frustrated, worried and wanted to kill my husband… not ideal for non-porn porn making. But I saw how hard she was working and with the submission deadline looming, I sucked it up and put my vegan face on:



E’s script was funny, but the actual scenes are downright hilarious. As soon as we got to her apartment I was shown footage that will both haunt me and make me burst out laughing for years to come. Mr. W and I filmed a quick scene there, then headed back to our place to wrap up. By the grace of God, Dexter had chosen that day to get his gastrointestinal act together and the filming crew and our lovely director were not treated to any poo piles.

Unfortunately for Dexter, our scene involved cooking mass quantities of bacon, and other than small bits of pumpkin puree, we’d had to starve him for 24 hours to ensure whatever bug he had was out of his system. So our starving and now fully recovered dog had to smell and see bacon all night long without getting any for himself. I now consider us even for all the pain he inflicted on me.

Before we knew it, the scenes were over and we were alone. Mr. W made himself a BLT (when life hands you lemons…) and we laughed and joked about various little things. I soon realized it was the first time in a week we’d been lighthearted with each other and not grumpy and short. It took something as silly as a non-porn porno to make us realize that we really needed to lighten up.

The next day happened to be the nine year anniversary of the day Mr. W proposed to me. And due to a series of strange events, he and I found ourselves dressed up and sipping champagne at the gorgeous ColumbiaTower Club, admiring the waterfront from 74 stories from the ground. It was surreal to think that 24 hours before I’d been in a “Fur is Murder” tank top and he’d been in a leather vest.



“Nine years ago when you got on one knee, did you ever imagine our lives would be like this?” I asked him.

“Actually, yes,” he said with no hesitation. “I learned a long time ago that you never know what to expect with you.”

He’s right. And I feel the same about him… along with this big, bold, beautiful city full of colorful characters I grow fonder of by the minute.


3 comments:

Stevie said...

This post made my night. We are kindred spirits in that we won't turn down a random, crazy experience.

I think we should plan a "double date" (I hate that phrase) with us and Mr. W and The Scientist :-)

JessicaLee said...

I would love that! :) We can call it something much cooler than a double date...like..."awesome squared." Anytime, Mrs. Stevie!

Kris said...

This is my favorite post so far. Light hearted, funny and slightly disgusting but with a really good moral. It left me smiling, hopeful and content.

 
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