Saturday, December 28, 2013

So I put my faith in something unknown....

“There was definitely an enormous shift for Aquarius this year,” said the beautiful blond woman staring at my birth chart. “Your hard work has finally been paying off. Saturn the cosmic taskmaster has moved right in, inspiring you to take action.”

I sipped my craft cocktail and watched the candlelight flicker inside the mason jar at our table, nodding my head and listening intently. No, I hadn’t met up with a woman off the Psychic Hotline, nor was I there to socialize and talk about the planets over booze. I was at the rustic pub for business purposes—the internet famous woman sitting across from me was my latest freelance client. And in order for me to get the proper training I’d need to write for her, she needed to fill me in on my birth chart. And tell me what a birth chart was.

The astrological chart is a map based on your exact date, time and place of birth. It’s a freeze-frame of the planetary positions during the moment you were born. And when it’s interpreted for you by someone who has dedicated her life to studying the planets, it’s fascinating.

“This shift probably began for you around June 28 of this year,” she was saying. I laughed quietly to myself as the goosebumps spread over my arms, thinking about everything that had led to me sitting across from this internet famous woman. I wasn’t surprised. I had no idea how to interpret a birth chart or what was going on with the stars, but I could have told her that. In fact, I could pinpoint the moment in happened.

I’d been sitting on a grassy hill overlooking the main stage at the Paradiso Festival at the Gorge Amphitheater. I was sitting on a blanket with Mr. W, listening to the music and staring out at the incredible natural beauty in the distance. Our friend G was next to us, chatting up fellow festival attendees. We were all loving life and having fun.

It was the first time in way too long that I’d allowed myself to slow down, relax, breathe and take it all in… and in fact, it’s one of the first times I remember being fully present in a moment. Ever. Pathetic, but true. I stared at the hillside and focused my eyes until I could see every rock. I looked at the river way below us until I could see the water moving. I leaned back and stared at the sky and the gorgeous gray clouds with bursts of sunlight peeking through.

Time is so precious, I thought. I’m tired of wasting it working for someone else’s dream when I just want to work for MY dreams.


There it was… one of the thoughts I’d been staying busy, entertained, drunk or otherwise occupied to avoid letting slip through. But I was none of those things that day, and it had flown right out of my subconscious.

The clouds parted, allowing more sunlight to illuminate everyone on the hillside. As the DJ onstage began mixing a popular jam, people started to stand up and dance. Then we all sang in unison:

So I put my faith in something unknown
I’m living on such sweet nothing
But I’m tired of hope with nothing to hold
I’m living on such sweet nothing…..

Though I’m a writer and therefore my task is to put experiences into words, I’ve been completely unable to come up with the words to describe how I felt at that moment. I don’t think I ever will. All I can say is that something in me shifted, and I knew what I had to do.

It isn’t easy for me to let it go
‘Cause I’ve swallowed every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away at this heart of mine…
And there is a hollow in me now….

So I put my faith in something unknown…
I’m living on such sweet nothing...

I used to feel uncomfortable writing about things like this because of the implications and assumptions. I’m very personal about my beliefs, and I like to keep them to myself. We’re judged either way, no matter what we believe, and I don’t feel comfortable getting into debates with people outside my inner circle (just not what I choose to spend my energy on). But in addition to all the other things 2013 has brought, it has also been the year that I just plain stopped giving a shit. And that feels better than I ever could have dreamed.

I didn’t need the internet-famous woman to tell me that I’d experienced a shift (though the reassurance was rad). I felt it. And for the first time in a long time, I actually acted on the Universe’s gentle nudge.

With less than a month to go before my contract at work was up, I had no choice but to get started right away. And by the time I strolled away from that grassy hill at Paradiso in my sequined booty shorts, I was forming a plan.
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